Dear Life: Signed, Netflix

You’ve probably heard of me. I’m all over the internet these days—there is no way you can miss me. I’m most popular with teenagers, definitely, with the way they pretend to watch my movies, but they’re really just getting ready for sex…y poses with me to post on their Instagram accounts. Next thing you know, they’ll ask for my autograph!

Still don’t ring a bell? Well, let me ring that bell for you! Man, you have no idea how hard it is to have to sit through the entirety of a 2-hour episode of BBC Sherlock while watching a dude lazily scratch his balls as he munches and slurps on…well, a P25 one-liter Coke and a P20 bag of chips. Crazy, I tell you. But, I don’t judge. I mean, he’s just ignoring his responsibilities, right? More time with me!

And the girls are crazier, too! They’d have these sleepovers and they’d be hugging and kissing…each other on the cheek and squeezing each other’s…pillows and slapping each other as they play with…a game of Monopoly. My only problem with this is that I don’t think hurting each other is necessary if you lose the game? Then again, I wouldn’t know. I’m not even human.

Oh, but none of these beat a man and a woman when they watch my shows at the same time! They always choose the ones with subtle romance and a half-naked man and woman in bed together. They just end up melting into…the bed! What a bunch of lazy bums. They do these on their days off, though, so I’m cool with that.

But some couch potatoes are just impossible. I’d like to be taken care of, too, you know. It is hard having to put up a huge sign every single day that says they’ve been binge-watching. I need my beauty rest, too. But even when I put up the sign, they don’t even pay attention? They’re always busy with all those physical stuff I was talking about.

I don’t mind, honestly, but I’m kind of a neat freak, you know? All these tissues scattered around wherever I am and filled with sticky stuff bothers me so much. Isn’t there a limit to how much snot the human body can muster? And, like, the number of buckets of tears you can cry?

It’s cool to rest—hell, I’m an advocate of that—but, god, I just can’t stand dirty dishes being left in the sink just so they can watch their favorite movies on me. That’s why, whenever a character in a show/movie is doing some washing or laundry or homework or anything productive in general, I always stare at the viewers by raising my brightness level just so they’d get the hint. But, man, you’d think these people are zombies with the way their eyes remain unresponsive when I do that. Mad concentration skills, I tell you!

Source: https://vulcanpost.com/264001/

But it’s cool, I’m cool. I love my job. I get to see all the dirty…homes of my viewers and judge them for it. Juuuust kidding, of course. No time to judge for me. Too busy for that. This job is not a walk in the park, I tell you.

So… do you recognize me now?

Yours,
Netflix

P.S. They’ve also given me this surname of sorts! In 2015, I was baptized as “Netflix and Chill”. Cool, right? Everyone uses it now!

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This article for Dear Life is written by Claire Obejas.