Being able to have an amazing defecation session these days is rare, with the classes and projects just pouring down like you’re a parade even worth raining down on. You don’t even have time to sleep, right? How much more to defecate with all the time in the world? Defecation should be done in the solace of the toilet, with your mind sound and ready to let go of everything pent up inside. Including those blocked by a very tense anal sphincter.

With that said so casually, farting is inevitable.

Source: http://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/firing-line

Farting is the sigh that these poor solid things breathe out because they aren’t able to escape the dark cavern that is the large intestine. The act also provides a small pleasure; an evidence that even when you feel so constricted, the body can find a way to let go even if it has to take a different form. But, my dear friends, the beauty of your own fart is not appreciated by everyone.

When farts have a distinct smell, a different tone in their voices, everyone’s preferences seem to awaken. They would then judge this amazing biological process, as if their opinion matters to the trapped fecal creatures inside you. The diversity of the human cognition may not be able to grant a promise of acceptance. Therefore, you’re the one left to put reins on these farts. But when the going gets tough, the clever gets away with farting.

So how do you get away with farting? Well, I have some advices.

1.    Bury evidence.

How would anyone accuse you of farting when there are no traces of it that could lead to you? Burying evidence is key. So, let’s do some logic.

Fart comes from your butt. Your butt is the origin of the subject of crime. You need to hide the origins of the fart. The butt is “yours”. Now, do you see the butt as an evidence that could trace the fart to your sorry ass? There’s one solution. Bury your butt and leave it there to rot!

A healthier alternative: Quick Defecation. Unpleasurable, but at least you won’t get earthworms into your odoured crack.

The clothes you are wearing traps molecules that hold the chemical compositions found in your fart. These should be buried too. With no odorant clinging on you, you can now live your life free and faultless. Burying things actually erases the fact that you have committed the crime. Therefore, you can easily shout, “Not guilty!” when someone passes a verdict on you and your hemmed-in, soon-to-be excretes.

If Michael caught you farting, bury him too.

2.    Reveal your true identity of being a heartless and digestive system-less android.

You cannot deny your true nature anymore. With the accusations of doing a very humanly thing, you are disgusted by the fact that no one recognized you as a highly intelligent and efficient unit. Efficiency does not make place for something transient such as farts. The exhaust and excreting system of your body only creates a huge bulk of excrements that are ejected in a projectile, with a speed undetectable by the human eye and a smell that the nose receptors do not accept.

These humans are indeed brainless.

Get into this character and reveal yourself with no feelings (it is important you get this bit right). When all else fails, engage in triage. There’ll be no one left to say that you have farted like a puny homo sapiens sapiens in need of release.

Or do none of that. Take responsibility.

Being able to say and reveal that you farted is an exercise on taking responsibility of your actions. Do not run away from the accusations! If you really have done it, then own it. No one will shame you for being very brave in committing a very human act. Accept that you fart, accept that your fart smells, accept that your fart has a disturbing tone of impending doom in it. Take responsibility and accept the consequences of not being able to defecate the night before.

So yes! Fart and be free. Approach a person who farted with acceptance and understanding. After all, it’s just a mere fart. No one should be taking it seriously by making an article about it. 

***

This article for Palihog Ko'g Tudlo is written by Tara Angela Prieto.

“Bagong taon ay magbagong buhay!”


It’s the New Year, Iskolars! We at Tinta know that New Years are for new beginnings and naturally we start making our own New Year’s resolutions. Thus, we made up a list of the most common New Year’s resolutions and some tips on how to achieve them. Check ‘em out!


1. Good Study Habits
Who wants to be bothered by INCs and removal exams and, well, retaking courses? Nobody, that's who. So yes, as Iskolars, we always want to try stopping all the binging (food, movies, uh… internet and gaming?) and develop better, more effective study habits. Pero, how?

One way to achieve this is to find a place conducive for productivity and associate it with doing your academic toil. Make this place your holy ground of academics. If your room only makes you long for sleep or internet, then transfer somewhere else and root your productivity there. This place will then be associated with working so whenever you’re in there, you would probably work better.

Premack’s principle is also one technique an Iskolar can use to develop better study habits. According to this, a person will want to work towards a desirable behavior (example, internet surfing) but to achieve this, that person must overcome an undesirable behavior (i.e., studying?). In short, for you to feel the rewards of 15 minutes of internet, you must set yourself to do at least 30 minutes of studying. Then repeat the whole process until you finished your quota.

These are just easy exercises you can try to improve your study habits. Try them out and you might be surprised by the power of psychology’s classical and operant conditioning.


2. Save money
Ah, money. Money is a precious commodity for college students not just because it pays for our tuition fees and living expenses but also due to the fact that without it, our hangouts with friends, movie dates and personal caprices would be impossible. Whether you are like Chris D’Amico in KissAss whose superpower is that he has plenty of money or not, there are a lot of perks in learning the value of saving.

Here are some of the tips shared by Kristel Cuenta on BusinessTips.ph that might help you along the way:

• Aside from books and tuition fee, set a budget for your expenses categories like rent, food, entertainment and so on.
• Buy second hand books. Probably you will discover much cheaper price at surplus bookstore. Avoid purchasing new ones as much as possible.
• Consider a temporary job provided that it does not obstruct your studies.
• You don’t need going out always; invite some friend to your apartment habitually to save cash.
• It’s easy to get lost in a jungle of clothes racks, shoes and come out with more purchased items than what you had in mind. In order to avoid this, list all of the things that you need to buy before going out into the stores and stick to that list.

All of this financial talk may be stressing you out but if you want to avoid burning through your pockets then you might need to exercise a little more control and discipline. After all, the financial wisdom you learn today can help you in the future.


3. Exercise
No more PE subjects. Exams week. No time to hit the gym or even go to Abellana for a run and it actually makes you feel like your joints are rusting. Maybe you need exercise to help you feel alive again, eh?

Exercising can be a really hard task but in the long run it will reap you with a lot health benefits that will make every drop of sweat worth it. To start with getting fit, here are some advice to help you.

One way to get a little bit of exercise in our daily routines is to change some parts of your routine. If you live near UP but still ride the jeep because you always wake up late, try waking up earlier and taking a walk to school. Also, it can be a good thing that UP has no elevators since taking the stairs gets you moving.

According to an article in WebMD, an effective fitness program has to have five components: a warm-up, a cardiovascular workout, strength-building exercises, flexibility moves and a cooldown. So start with this information and google a fitness program that is appropriate for your fitness level. Just keep in mind that if you’re a newbie to this exercise thing, you should not attempt those high intensity workouts.

Or, you can try to take BuzzFeed’s Get Fit Challenge which you can find if you click this link http://www.buzzfeed.com/sallytamarkin/get-fit-challenge. It is a four-week exercise plan and the workouts are no longer than 30 minutes. Perfect for a college kid, right? It also doesn’t require gym membership so you save a couple of pesos.

So what are you waiting for? Get those lazy asses of the couch and start moving!


4. Lose Weight
“‘Tis the season to be chubby” - our battlecry when it comes to the holidays. Then, we fret ‘cause after all the satisfying lechon, mango float and crabs, we become a few kilos heavier than our last weigh-in. And like what has been repeated by a lot of people, “mas dali magpa-tambok kaysa magpaniwang”.

Well, losing weight is one of the most popular New Year resolutions and yet it is also one of those that are very hard to achieve. First of all, let’s just be clear, losing weight doesn’t mean depriving yourself. Many people think deprivation is the key but it’s not, it should be eating a healthy and well-balanced diet coupled with exercise. Also, always keep in mind that the weight-loss process can be painful.

If you want to lose weight, first you must set your goal and it must be realistic. According to Dr. Hensrud in an article for health.com, the goal you set must be "specific, measurable, realistic, and trackable” such as having a 15-minute jog every other day.

It also helps that you alter some parts of your lifestyle. If you want to lose weight then you need to give up unhealthy habits such as snacking on junk foods. Also, you need to watch what you eat!

These tips are just to help you get started on your weight-loss, the real power is in your hands.


5. Acads over everything else
Did a lot of partying and forgot to study? Watch a whole season of that television series instead of the documentary assigned for Soc Sci 5? We know how it is to prioritize any other activity except for the academic ones so let’s get you some tips and tricks to hopefully help you finish that 5-page reading on Asian history first before that last Heroes of Olympus book. Besides, the first reason you get into college is to graduate with a degree, right?

One way to prioritize acads is to learn how to manage your time. Know how many hours or minutes you put into an activity every day for one week so that you have an idea which activity can you cut back or add some time. If you want to study, a nifty guide from academictips.org might help organize how much time to put into one subject: study two hours per hour in class for an easy class, three hours per hour in class for an average class, and four hours per hour in class for a difficult class.

Another helpful tip? Learn to say “no”. If you plan to study every Wednesday night and your bestfriend asks you out to see a newly-released movie that you're not really interested in watching, decline the offer politely. Better yet, ask your BFFL to study with you! Always try to stick to your study schedule as much as possible. However, take casual breaks in order to refresh your mind. Besides, all work and no play makes an Iskolar a dull person!


But wait, there’s more. We included some extra resolutions that would be fun (unless they prove to be a burden) to add on your lists.


Think more of others
A selfish life can be easily lead. Although a lot of people may choose to tread a life of selfishness (which may not be so bad when taken in moderation), some would want to venture into a more empathic way of life. Well, even if you are selfish, you might still find that being able to empathize with others can help you reach goals. But naturally warm people do not find this difficult.

The benefits of thinking more about others is the heightened sensitivity towards their feelings.Thus, being able to make decisions that would not just benefit you but also those “other people”.

For selfish people, one way to start thinking more of others is to consider them as you - only different and probably quite cooler. Try to see your own beautiful presence in their own and you might be surprised how easy it is to think of their good.

For the common population, the things you can do easily to consider others as your kapwa is to offer sincere compliments (“Oh, your hair looks exquisitely good today!”). Don’t make it seem like you’re kissing their ass, though. Just a short appreciation of someone’s existence will surely make them feel better!

Smile, smile, smile! Not only does it use less face muscles, as smile is also the best manifestation of warmth and openness. A smile a day keeps a wrinkle away. So yes, smile to other people (not in a creepy, pervy way), your friends and your enemies and let them wonder why you’re happy.


Be more honest
May it be being more honest towards yourself or others, honesty may help you avoid misinterpretations that might lead to misunderstandings. If you want to rid yourself of troubles concerning these, try working towards honesty.

To do just this, you must first feel a little less apologetic. Learn to have your own face and own up to your decisions and mistakes. If you feel too sorry to tell your friend that the dress may be too short for her, then you might push her to spending her money on an unworthy buy. This is not easy especially with our culture here in the Perlas ng Silanganan. Disclaimer: this is not saying that you just blurt out truth bombs, drop them gently. But either way, the explosion can still go intense.

Have a sense of acceptance of your flaws and of the world’s. Do not bubble yourself with “Pink ponies, happy skies” (Shrek, The Musical) because most truths come in storms or earthquakes. The point of this attempt at metaphor is to see yourself as naturally flawed but learning to accept that as an avenue to improve yourself. Being more honest to yourself is caring a little less about what other’s think you are which can lead you to form yourself into their liking. Being more honest to yourself is being able to admit and embrace insecurities and to work on your improvement for yourself.


Well, you now know some of the popular New Year resolutions. You’ve read some tips on how to achieve them. Now, all you need to do is take action!

***
This article fro Beyond Bluebook is written by Fraulein Roa, Jennifer Ebdani and Tara Prieto

Ulan ang mibundak –
dili grasya
disgrasya.
Ang panganod
mihagba sa yuta.
Gadala og baha
luha
nga minglunop sa
siyudad.
Tanan minglutaw –
atop
haligi
balay
ang tagbalay.

Apan sa dili pa mosaka
ang luha pabalik sa mata
ang baha pabalik sa
inatay nga langit,
monaog ang tanang galutaw
motago ang lawm nga baha
ubos sa yuta
kuyog sa yangungo ug ang nalumos
nga paglaom.
Sila madugta. ilubong.
Ug tuod, mosaka ug balik ang tubig
magpabilin ang lapok
ug buak
nga pagdahom
ug usab –

modag-om.


Ang Biyahe han Tubig

Uran nabunok
dire grasya
disgrasya
An dampog

gin pusdak ha tuna.

nagdara hin baha
luha
nga na lunudhan
aton siyudad.

tanan lumutaw --
atop
harigi
balay
an tagbalay.
mintras dire pa nasaka
an luha bumalik ha mata
an baha bumalik ha
pistehanon nga langit
malusad an tanan nga nalutaw
matago an hilarum nga baha
ubos han tuna
upod an pagkalumo ngan an nalumos
nga pagla-um
 adi hira madunot. Ilubong

ngan tuod, masaka na balik an tubig
mapabilin an lapok

ngan an buka

nga paghingyap

 naliwat

 madalumdum

 

***

Kining maong balak para sa #RememberYolanda sinuwat ni Tara Prieto with Waray translation by Bem Cerilla. 

Si Manang Lisa nailhan sa mga estudyante sa UP Cebu nga tindera duol sa UP High ug ania ang iyang estorya nga dapat ninyong basahon....

GAISANO. Tindahan ni Manang Lisa before giguba ang Gaisano ug UP Batibot.

“NAAY mga first years niduol nako ug nangutana, ‘Ikaw si Manang Lisa? Kay di raba kuno mi taga-UP Cebu kung di mi kaila ni Manang Lisa.’”

Ug tinuod na! Di ka katawag sa imong kaugalingon nga Iskolar sa Cebu kung wala ka kaila kon kinsa si Manang Lisa: the humble vendor near the UP High campus gate selling banana cue, camote cue, siomai, softdrinks and just simple varieties of knickknacks – pero kaning iyang simpleng baligya kay dili ra simple para sa mga Isko.

Since 1979, Manang Lisa has been selling and giving the hungry Iskolars’ stomach satisfaction. Makawala og stress kon makigtabi ka sa iya o bisan ang iya lang pagkamalipayon. With a 30+ years in experience, seeing changes go around our campus, we went ahead and asked her the questions you, Iskolars, sent for our beloved Manang Lisa.

Unsa may pinakaimportante nga buhaton sa usa ka tao samtang naa pa siyas kalibotan? (sent by walanasakalibutan)

“Mag-alaga sa mga bata [anak].”

A simple answer to this deep question – she tells that the most important thing that you have to do while you’re still in this world is to take care of your children. With four children of her own, Manang Lisa speaks from experience. Misulti siya na dapat siguroon nato nga ang mga anak magdakog tarong, limpyo ug taas nga kinabuhi. Manang Lisa’s quite selfless, don’t you think?

Manang Lisa, kanus-a ka maghimog saging pinaypay? (sent by Gimingaw ug Pinaypay)

“Kon ganahan mo, aw, mubuhat ra ko!”

Manang Lisa gives a hearty laugh for us. She’s willing to make pinaypay if the Iskolars are willing buy from her. Negosyante jud nis Manang da.

Naa kay mga memorable nga experience with UP students nga nasuki nimo? (sent by Banana Cute)

She thought deep with this one. Medyo taas iyang paghunahuna samtang gabali siya sa iyang saging nga gipangluto. Ug nikatawa siya, “Mga rally!”

When further asked if her if naa bay nahimo ang mga tinun-an sa UP Cebu para niya nga dili niya makalimtan (a question from Mang Kumas: Pila na ka katuig sa UP? Unsa imo pinakamemorable nga moment?), she quietly says “Wala pa.”

Pila kabuok imo na boyfriend before naminyo? Heheheh (sent by Sharmaine)

“Oy!” she laughs at us. It seems that she’s not willing to reveal how many boyfriends she had before she met Mr. Mende who also works in UP as a CDMO personnel. “Sikret lang!” Manang, di man ni recipe among gipangayo!

manang lisa dugay na jd kaayu ko nga curious nganung imong tindahan sikat jd kaayu. Naa man ko amigo sa UP nga ga sigi lang ug gahisgut sa imong pangan . itago nato sa pangan nga Wittdump. Unsay man jd imong gibutang sa imong mga baligya nga ang mga batang oblation run mag sige man god ug palit sa imong tindahan unsay secret sa imong banana cue ? XDDDD (sent by AsoNangBayan)

She just laughed at this question and rested her calloused finger on her lip while saying “Sikreto para bibo!” Surely, a chef cannot reveal their secret formula, right? But Manang Lisa told us one thing about making her infamous Banana Cue – “Love!”

Tip sad niya sa pagluto ug banana cue kay pirmeng pagatan-awon ug dapat dili biyaan. Even sa iyang cooking process, motherly kaayo ang approach ni Manang.

Unsay sikreto sa siomai na dali ra kaayo mahurot kay pastang lamia? (sent my Chandler)

Sa hunahuna siguro ni Manang Lisa ron, “Kani jud sila, sigeg pangutana ug sikreto!” pero nisulti siya nga ang sikreto sa lami nga siomai, “Gihalang nga sauce!” she replied with enthusiasm. “Ang sauce sa siomai ang makada’g lami kay halang man siya.”

Manang Lisa, what's your secret on being happy in life; despite the hardships you've encountered? (sent by arukuro)

“Daghang amiga, mga kaila! Daghan kaayo ga-love nako, mga estudyante diri sa UP Cebu,” sulti niya. To Manang Lisa, a happy life is to have and make connections with people you interact with. But, being a vendor, nisulti sad siya nga malipayon siya kung, “Dagha’g halin ug mahurot ang baligya!”

Nangutana mi kang Manang Lisa kung aduna ba siyay message para sa UP Cebu ug kani iyang gitubag sa amo (more or less)

“Ayaw lang mo pag-usab. Dapat miga lang ta pirme! Basta malipayon mo, malipayon lang ko.”

Talk about being selfless.

Pagkahuman sa interview, Manang Lisa also told us that being in the university’s walls has made her see a lot of things. One of those that she talked extensively about is the changes she sees in the students. Sa una daw, igo lang daw sila mupalit sa iya pero karon, makadungog siya na they have become lawyers, doctors, artists to name a few. “Pagligid lang jud na sa panahon,” she ends.

Sa simpleng pamaligya ni Manang Lisa sa kilid sa atong university, she has connected with the students and the school itself. Kani nga bond lisod gub-on kay bisag nademolish man ang Gaisano nga tambayan sauna, padayon gihapon siya sa paghatag og lami nga mga baligya ug snacks sa UP Cebu Iskolars. That makes Manang Lisa a big, loved part of our Community that we should cherish.

Palit unya mo sa iyang tinda ha!

FUN FACTS:

• Kung i-search nimo sa Google si Manang Lisa, Makita iyang tindahan sa Google Maps!

• Si Lucy Torres-Gomez tinun-an sa UP Cebu sa BM. Matod pang Manang Lisa, di man kuno siya kaayo mupalit sa iya kay mahadlok siya molabang mao nang magpapalit lang siya sa iyang mga amiga.

Share us your thoughts in the comment section, Iskolar!


***
This article for Estoryahee is written by Tara Angela Prieto.

"Then I see the distant night sky and how it is embellished with stars and I see you; your beauty, your calm and how you never became mine."

The night skies I look up during desolate moments and I see everything - in the back of my mind, at least. While the orange street lamp on the corner of the block blinds my eyes, I relish the moments when I see those three stars lining up like ants. Or how these clustered shining things resembled the pimple scars I found on your cheeks. Or how the wispy clouds looked like cotton under the plasters of your scars. In those dark moments, I see you. I felt safe.

We were in that dark cinema, holding each other’s hands to gain a little warmth in that cold place. I remember the scene when the waters of Venice reflected its night sky. I saw your constellation of pimples and know that it was you I am with. I could feel you with me on that same gondola that rippled the stars. I will not drown. Because even if I will, the dark reflective liquid that I was traveling on will catch me. It will cradle me until I float ashore.

Handing your right earphone piece, you grabbed me and led me towards a dark room. “You will hear it better in here!” you exclaimed as I allow myself to float in your currents of excitement. We made the floor warm, the air damp and the sound raspy. Your panting made its way to my auditory processes which made me not want to put on the right piece. Because if I do, I’d miss the chance of engulfing all of your sounds from one ear in exchange of this song about falling stars. “You sure do sweat quickly,” you say. A hanky with yellow tulip prints was dabbed in my forehead and got rid of my sweat.

Bass lines from a band concert we attended one spring break are still audible to this day. My mind plays a melody of love unrequited while looking back at you wincing in pain because of a wound you got from some douchebag who can’t take care of you. The cotton turned brown under the plaster as you tried to get yourself drunk, waving your hurting wrists up. I look at you and your eyeliner was the night sky, your tears the stars. I didn’t notice that I was already falling because of the person accidentally shoving me to you. And you caught me. You smiled and said, “What would you do without me?”

I stand on a Hospital rooftop, staring at the night sky. I see the stars better now as more of the nearby lights grew faint. The Emergency Room you lay in is bright; it pains me to be there. You rest in pristine white sheets, your pimple marks almost concealed; I can’t see your dark hazel eyes. I know that if I stay, I won’t see the stars anymore. So I went away from the light and back in the dim comforts of the dark, desolated rooftop.

My soul keeps coming back to those moments - those dark moments engraved in my head. I look up at the heavens and feel myself fall to the ground where you now lay. Then I see the distant night sky and how it is embellished with stars and I see you; your beauty, your calm and how you never became mine. No camera can capture your existence as perfectly as my eyes can just like how it can’t make me hold the night. And I close my eyes. I sleep easy in a dark, starry night.

END

****

This entry for Fiction is written by Tara Angela Prieto.