I get out of bed, get ready for
school, eat my breakfast, and go. This is
just a typical day for me. Another day to survive the long, agonizing
hours at school.But behind the scenes of getting ready for school, my mind is
on an endless battle with itself.
“What’s the
point in getting out of bed?”
“…you’ll just humiliate yourself again…”
“…you don’t have friends there
anyway.”
My
mind is exaggerating; I am aware. But somehow, I can’t help myself from
thinking about those things. But I fight them as much as I can, as
hard as I can. I fight the struggle by uttering this mantra: “I can survive
this day. I just have to keep avoiding people. Avoid talking to them. Don’t
make eye contact at all! Just avoid human freaking interactions of any kind!”
And so I go to school.
Now
this is the toughest part: having to spend 7 excruciating hours in school. I am
walking down the school hallway and the sea of people coming to and fro is too
overwhelming to deal with. I look down, then I breathe in so deep and chanted
inside my head, “don’t make eye contact…don’t make eye contact… don’t make eye
contact.”
I really don’t have any friends at
school. I’m not like other people who look for their friends in the crowd to have
endless chitchat. I rarely even interact with my
classmates. Because they might ridicule me. What if I walk
awkwardly? What if my clothes look funny? What ifthey’re laughing at me right
now? My head bombards me with tons of what ifs in a day. I’m afraid that
engaging conversations with them will lead to embarrassment or something worse.
In
the classroom, I always take a seat in the farthest corner at the back just to
avoid any human interaction.I’m not really good with small talk. I don’t know what to say in
conversations and I might end up stuttering or saying
nothing at all. Anyway, let’s skip to the part where the professor comes in and
the discussions start, and crap. She’s calling out random people to answer her
questions. I hate being under this professor because she has this habit of
calling out random students during the class. I just hope I’ll never get called
out to answer questions. I might have a panic attack when that happens. I’m
really scared to speak in public and I get a bit more terrified when it’s an
authority figure I’m talking to. What if I mess up?!
After moments of rumination, boom,
I think someone jinxed me. I was called out by our instructor and was asked a question. This is the time when I
actually wished that an invisibility cloak existed. So I was there, staring at
the professor, utterly dazed by the thought that I was called out, and I never
even got to pay attention to what she said. My palms were sweaty and fidgety. I
felt cold sweat run down my forehead. I don’t know if I should ask the teacher
to repeat the question or I should say “I don’t know” to get this over and done
with.
“I…I…do – I… Can you…. Can you
repeat the question, M-m-miss?"
Holy shitstickers I want to be
pulverized by a laser gun right now. And if there’s an alien randomly abducting
people right now, they’d do me a favor if they’d choose me. I can feel my
classmates glaring at me, jeering at me. I’m pretty sure they think I’m a
dumbass or something.
“I said, please elaborate John
Locke’s Essay Concerning Human
Understanding.”
And then right there, I panicked. I
knew the answers. I finished the required readings last night. Oh, fug, just
answer her already!
“I
uh…He…Uh… The e—uh…” holy mother of pigskins, speak straight!
“Well
missy, it seems that you haven’t done your reading last night. Can anyone help
her?”
That smart girl in front raises her
hand and at last, their attention was diverted to someone else.
I will never move on from this
incidence, I tell you. I just made myself look stupid and ridiculous in front
of a crowd. I will never forget how their stares went straight through me like
lightsabers. Their looks worsened the feeling of humiliation.
The class ended, and I ran outside so that I
could avoid having to go through the crowd of judgmental gazes and taunting
laughter.
It’s lunch time. I always bring
lunch from home in order to avoid having to stand in a queue because I might
bump in with one of my classmates and they might start a conversation with me. I
also eat my lunch alone down the stairs of a fire exit because I feel awkward
knowing that someone’s looking at me while eating.
***
Finally, classes are done. It’s
4:30 PM and I am now walking home from school. Good thing I don’t have to
commute going home. What if I sit in near the jeepney’s exit. What will I say
when I need to ask someone to relay my fare to the driver? And what if I
stutter? And how do I say, “lugar lang”
properly? What if the driver won’t hear me and I have to repeat what I said and
the driver won’t hear it again?
That would be humiliating.
Fuggit.
I arrived home, grabbed the keys
from my backpack and opened the door.
Ah, finally. I’m home.
I took a breath of relief after surviving
school today. I walked into my bedroom, dropped my backpack on the floor and
start to rummage through my clothes to change. Then the telephone rang. And
again, I panicked. What if it’s some stranger, what do I do? What do I say? Should
it be a formal greeting or “hello” would suffice? With trembling hands I picked
up the phone.
“H-Hello?”
“How’s school?” she asked.
“It was fine,” I said. Whew, it’s
just my mom after all.
“I was just making sure you’re
already home. Listen, I might come home a little late because my boss asked me
to do some extra work. There’s food in the fridge if you’re hungry or you can
order some pizza outside.”
“Okay.Don’t worry about me.” I
replied.
“Okay. See you later. Bye. Love
you.”
“Bye.”
And again, I let out a sigh of relief. Finally, my day’s over. Now I can enjoy being alone, away from people who cause me so much distress.
People
might think I am just a socially-awkward teenager and this is all just an
exaggeration. You might think it’s mere shyness, when in fact “shy” does not
even cover all of it. Truth is, it’s been a year since I was diagnosed with
social anxiety disorder.And if I could, I would do everything to be normal just
like everyone else.I would do everything, even to the point that I would
swallow several Paroxetine and Benzodiazepines all at once just to calm the
pandemonium triggered by the irrational fears inside my head. Every day, I am
torn between being engulfed by those demons or proving them wrong instead. My
life is a series of avoidance and hiding and cowering because I panic with the
thought of interacting with people and embarrassing myself in front of them.
Another typical day for me.
***
This article for A Day in the Life is written by R.S.C.
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